“Matthew”
Look for the orange
shirt, I tell myself silently……find
the orange………I’m yelling now - ”Matthew……Matthew”………look for the orange (tears falling – uncalled – unwanted – unbidden –
silently – slowly – tears falling on my cheek) “MATTHEW”
My heart is alternating between stopping and pounding too
fast in my chest…….this is the first time that I have opened up and let him “be
a boy” as my husband has wanted me to – against my inner fight. He tells me to
“leave my helicopter blades at home”.
This is our first Mom and Son Cub Scout camping trip. Yes, my son does
need more independence…yes, I probably hover a whole lot more than I should……but
he also has autism. He is "high
functioning" (whatever that means), so he understands what I tell him, but he doesn’t fully comprehend
danger in the same way, nothing scares him.
“MATTHEW”….. “MATTHEW”
….. I’m screaming – there are places
to fall where I couldn’t get to him, places to hide. There is poison oak over
in those bushes…….there is a major drop off to a stream below…. find the orange……… look for the orange …. find
the orange……… look for the orange…
There he was – blonde little head, bobbing up and down, arms
flapping, waiting by the two metal poles.
He knew not to go out past the boundary line. He makes mental notes of where things
change. I had told him not to leave our
circle of cabins.
I was too upset to be mad at him……. Even though that was
there too. I reminded him, probably too
sternly to not venture out without someone – don’t run off into the woods.
He was ready to go again, to go see what he could see……I was
ready to drop on the ground, I couldn’t breathe, ready to curl up in a ball and
cry……but I had to push on……I had to keep looking for the orange – running ahead
of me.
(Ed note - this was written awhile back, but I was too afraid to post - too afraid to finish it... it's really still not finished.......I'm still looking for that orange everyday - scared to death - struggling with anxiety and helicopter blades swirling above my head........)
