Mohawk, fauxhawk…. or no-hawk???

As any autism parent knows – haircuts can be a *nightmare*, *hellish*, *horrific*, *scream inducing, panic attacking* (and that’s just me – not the kid!) …… whichever word works for you .

Well, except my husband – but that part of the story will come later…

So, for the past 7 years, I have armed myself like a solider going into battle - with a portable DVD player with his favorite movie, my iphone so that he can play games, and an extra dose of patience for momma.  I have prepared him multiple times with what is going to happen, I have let him pick out how he wants his hair from pictures on the ipad and reminded him of the beloved balloon he will get at the end as a reward for not going ape-shit….. (ok, that’s not the term I use with him – but go with it – you know the drill!)

As the years have passed, he has gotten better with the routine of it and looks forward to playing with their nasty germ-ridden duplos.  He likes the girls and finally feels comfortable at our local haircut place. Woo – hoo!!!  He still isn’t all that happy with putting on the cape or having them wet down his hair, but playing Angry Birds has kept his meltdowns in check.

Now – insert DAD!  You know, the guy that knows all about our struggles and processes to get said haircut – but has yet to experience it firsthand. Just write "newbie" on his forehead.

He decides that he needs to get his own haircut, so, low & behold, he is going to bring along the boy.  Since I’m at the grocery store (don’t be jealous that I was solo on my trip), he thinks that Little Man needs his haircut too, since it is past his eyes.  He asks the boy how he wants his hair cut. A boy in class has a “fauxhawk”, but since neither of them knows what that means, Little Man tells my husband “Mohawk”!  Fine with dad! Without further ado, my husband drives to a NEW hair salon in town. In the parking lot kiddo freaks out and tells him that this is NOT the place! On the fly my husband tells him “but this is the only place that cuts mohawks!”  They proceed to give him a super long, super crooked no spike Mohawk.  And you know what happened while they were doing this………..absolutely fucking NOTHING!  That’s right folks…….. no iphone, no movie, no meltdowns or tears!!!  FUCKING BITCH! 

Hubs now thinks that I have made this shit up all these crappy-ass years.  Beginner’s luck asshole!

In the days that followed he would not spike his hair at all.  I think he did it twice. My mother called it a no-hawk.  Three weeks later he begged me to get rid of it because he didn’t like it.  I am happy to report that his next haircut did go well (thank you iphone). He has come a long way.  I’m making hubs take him next time and pray that a meltdown ensues…..just kidding (really, but not really).

I envy...

I envy……….

I envy the people who can afford vacations – how nice must it be to get a break a few times a year to recharge your batteries, have a change of scenery…. Some place to just get away………..

I envy the people who don’t have to deal with the school day in and day out about their child’s behavior – how nice must it be just to pick up their kids and find out how great a day they had……..instead of hearing how their child hit or acted impulsively and just broke down crying.

I envy the people who get invited to parties and events – how nice must it be to interact with others in a festive atmosphere ……..instead of being left out only to hear about it later when feelings are hurt.

I envy the people who don’t have others talk about their kids and always look at them as “the bad kid” or the one who doesn’t act “properly” – how nice must it be to not be looked at and judged.

I envy the people who don’t have to clean poop off of their walls, bathroom, clothes and hide it from the world – how nice must it be to not deal with accidents from a grown boy.

I envy the people who have physical help and support – how nice must it be to not feel alone in the struggle.

I envy………I know I shouldn’t, but I do and that makes me feel worse and then I feel guilty……...along with the envy.

below rock bottom

So - I’m not sure what is below “rock bottom”, but I think I’m about to find out. 

Little Man has been having problems at his summer program.  He just can’t seem to keep his hands to himself.  He feels the need to react to other kids and disagreements by hitting.  I can’t tell you how many times I have gone over and over it…….. I really can’t – I’ve completely lost track in the past 5 years!  How can he not get this through his thick skull?!?!?  He KNOWS he will be in trouble, no matter who started it if he uses his hands.  He just acts impulsively and just lashes out when he feels he has been wronged.  The other kids know that, which just makes it worse….. they  try to get him to react – but his actions get him into trouble.

I’m so frustrated – beyond words – that I just want to cry. 

I don’t want my child to hit.  I don’t want my child to be looked at in a “bad light”.  I don’t want to get the phone calls or the messages that he can’t handle himself and that I have to leave work to pick him up. 

I can’t afford that – emotionally, mentally, financially………..

I want a break, I need a break…….and yet - I can’t afford a break from all of this………This is a full time job that I deal with daily.  I’m tired, so very tired of it all.