Aspie or Asshole…… you decide???

Some days it just doesn’t pay to get up in the morning.  I find myself waking up in bed with a constant headache most days….. it’s name is “HUSBAND”.

I’m not sure when I first started thinking that he was different, but it was rather early on in the relationship. I hadn’t dated much, so I was pretty naive, but I knew this man wasn’t like most guys.  He was smart and intelligent, but it was more than that…. There was an intensity there for things that he liked.  It wasn’t that he just “liked” cars…. No…… he almost skipped our first date altogether because he became engrossed in a project and he called me to change our movie time 4 different times that evening…. (that right there folks should have been a big red blinking sign!!!)  He wasn’t just passionate about video games….. he played them non-stop. He was immersed in all things science / computers. Boxes of parts, became a whole room of parts…  You can see where this is leading.

It came to the point where it just all became TOO MUCH.  He would come out of his computer room or the garage for dinner, eat, then shut himself off again until bedtime.  It was like this for years.  I will admit, I became bitter and probably hard to live with after time, but that’s not how I thought life or marriage was supposed to go.  Day in and day out, this was our routine.  And there is no changing the routine.  (I know I have many faults of my own, but since this is my blog, we won’t go into them right now.)

If it were only that, it might be easy to accommodate. But it’s not. With routine, comes control. Control of all routines, all parts of the marriage – money, going out, so forth.  With the Control, came the fact of always being right. And by “Always”…. I mean ALWAYS.  There is no discussion, no thought out debate.

Control + Always Being Right = Disaster for the Other Person

In 23 years of being with him, I have never once been “right”.  He will begrudgingly admit that he might be a little mistaken, but not that I’m right. This really has dragged me down over the years. Not that I don’t know that I’m right or wrong, but to never have validation… that’s the part that stings, that eats at a person.

It took our kiddo being diagnosed on the spectrum to really “see” all the quirks & tendencies that the hubs has shown over his lifespan. It took him awhile to admit that he could possibly be on the spectrum too, but he believes that he is (along with confirmation from our ASD behaviorist).

Do I think that all of his actions and behaviors in regards to me has to do because he’s ASD – no.  Actually, I would say…. Hell no!  He’s an adult, he knows right from wrong. He’s functioning enough to know that things hurt or affect me.  Do I think that some of it is because of the ASD and he might not know how to adequately express his feelings, thoughts, actions and emotions in the way that I might be used to…. Yes.   I’ve told him for awhile now – “Just because you’re an Aspie, doesn’t give you the right to be an asshole!”  And I think we all agree on that statement.  But where do I judge one from another?  Where is the line that decides what it is? Who am I to even judge that?  Do I want to accommodate him as much as I can...... yes!  But, do I think he doesn't care to look beyond himself to see how things affect me.... yes, I think that too. 

I fully admit, it’s harder for me to have a spouse on the spectrum than a child on the spectrum. With my little man, I can teach him things, he listens and even though he will argue with God himself, he still understands that he’s learning and trusts me.  My husband, on the other hand, is so stubborn and set in his ways, is that everything is a fight no matter what, true affection is at the bottom of his list, and his passions and interests will always be above everything else. 

It’s hard...it’s never going to change… the routine will always be there… and it will only get worse in old age. 

I envy...

I envy……….

I envy the people who can afford vacations – how nice must it be to get a break a few times a year to recharge your batteries, have a change of scenery…. Some place to just get away………..

I envy the people who don’t have to deal with the school day in and day out about their child’s behavior – how nice must it be just to pick up their kids and find out how great a day they had……..instead of hearing how their child hit or acted impulsively and just broke down crying.

I envy the people who get invited to parties and events – how nice must it be to interact with others in a festive atmosphere ……..instead of being left out only to hear about it later when feelings are hurt.

I envy the people who don’t have others talk about their kids and always look at them as “the bad kid” or the one who doesn’t act “properly” – how nice must it be to not be looked at and judged.

I envy the people who don’t have to clean poop off of their walls, bathroom, clothes and hide it from the world – how nice must it be to not deal with accidents from a grown boy.

I envy the people who have physical help and support – how nice must it be to not feel alone in the struggle.

I envy………I know I shouldn’t, but I do and that makes me feel worse and then I feel guilty……...along with the envy.

below rock bottom

So - I’m not sure what is below “rock bottom”, but I think I’m about to find out. 

Little Man has been having problems at his summer program.  He just can’t seem to keep his hands to himself.  He feels the need to react to other kids and disagreements by hitting.  I can’t tell you how many times I have gone over and over it…….. I really can’t – I’ve completely lost track in the past 5 years!  How can he not get this through his thick skull?!?!?  He KNOWS he will be in trouble, no matter who started it if he uses his hands.  He just acts impulsively and just lashes out when he feels he has been wronged.  The other kids know that, which just makes it worse….. they  try to get him to react – but his actions get him into trouble.

I’m so frustrated – beyond words – that I just want to cry. 

I don’t want my child to hit.  I don’t want my child to be looked at in a “bad light”.  I don’t want to get the phone calls or the messages that he can’t handle himself and that I have to leave work to pick him up. 

I can’t afford that – emotionally, mentally, financially………..

I want a break, I need a break…….and yet - I can’t afford a break from all of this………This is a full time job that I deal with daily.  I’m tired, so very tired of it all.

I'm hiding now

How come we as women can remember……….and then dwell on every single stupid, maybe douche-baggy stuff that was done to us – or maybe a word that we said wrong to someone and then felt bad, then that person didn’t talk to us – either intentionally or for other reasons (heck, they might have not even been bothered), but we keep it all in – boiling and festering until we just blow up.  It rots us to the core, we think about it non-stop – wishing we had done things differently, said something better, not said something at all!

But you do worry – what if you hurt their feelings, what if they think you are just stupid and not worth their time, what if…………

And then, maybe you tried to apologize and got tongue tied, or it came out wrong…..or you’re just awkward……… and now it’s even worse!

That’s when I just want to push my head in the sand and never come up………..

Stay-cations Suck!

Seriously – a “stay-cation” is just a fancy fucking way to say long weekend at home! I get plenty of those a year – what I NEED is a fucking VACATION – as in “Vacate” – as in “get the hell out of dodge”……. See the difference?!? 

I "get" two weeks of vacation a year, BUT as a mom - let alone an autism mom - I have to save at least a week of those precious hours for the boy - puke-fests, calls from school for hitting (yet again!), teacher-work days and heaven forbid if I get sick!

The hubs on the other hand gets 5 weeks of vacation, plus sick time......yes you read that right - FIVE. fucking. weeks.  And does he ever use them to take care of the boy - ummm..no.....Bastard!

Why, No, I’m not bitter at all.

I don't wanna...........

I have decided that I don't want to.......

OK - to be more specific - I don't want to HAVE to learn about autism, I don't want to HAVE to learn about IEP's, I don't want to HAVE to tell my cute little boy that he has high functioning autism, I don't want to HAVE to tell my friends why he is not behaving as their "perfect little angels" are.

For some parents, it is a relief to have the diagnosis - and it can be. But with just being diagnosed, there is an information overload happening and the whirlwind of thoughts/emotions/things to do gets worse. It's not like I already didn't have a full-time job, parenting, cooking, cleaning, the works.........now add "investigator, advocate,..........well, the list just goes on and on.

I'm tired, I'm worn out and to HAVE to do this stuff while getting no help and support - just, well, Sucks!

Friendship....I just don't fit in....

I have a problem that has to do with myself & LM in the future. I am actually fearful to ask this, but can’t get it out of my head. I have come to the realization that I don’t fit in anywhere. I never have – not in school, not in church, not in the workplace. No group really wanted me or included me. From time to time in my life I had some fringe invitations or relationships, but was never fully embraced.

My very few friends have other best friends, leaving me without one of my own. (I’m truly happy for them, don’t get me wrong, but I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t envious.) I am almost 39 years old, and have yet to have a relationship where I wasn’t the “odd man out”. I’m “friends” with a few people, but all in all, they are “friends” of other “friends”. Not that I don’t cherish them (which I do and am grateful for them) or that type of relationship, but it’s just not the same.
I don’t know what I do / have done that has left me this way. I’m not sure how to change things for the future. I have been told to not let it bother me, but I crave friendship. I’ve been hurt so many times in the past, that I am a little gun shy, but I still want a friend(s). I need a friend(s) to do things with, talk to, go out and have fun with. I just don’t know how to get that.

Most importantly, if I can’t figure this out, how am I supposed to teach my son - who has high-functioning autism - that already struggles with social issues - how to make friends??? How am I supposed to help him navigate waters that I can’t figure out myself? How do I show him the cues from others to form true friendships when apparently I can’t see them myself? I am at a total loss.

Have a “Puke-tastic” Vacation!

I know, I know – you’re jealous - you are thinking to yourself “that sounds awesome – how can I get one of those too?”

Well, let me tell you – they are hard to come by people! 

See, I get one week of vacation a year.  Well, technically I get two, but as a mom with no sick time (you can see where this is going can’t you…) I get to use up that other one for random illnesses and stupid days where the schools don’t want to work their teachers to save some money – so yes – that totally reads “let’s use up my vacation days for that!”

Not to be bitter or anything like that (why no, I’ve never been accused of that), but the Hubs gets 5 – yes you read that right FIVE WHOLE WEEKS of vacation, PLUS sick time!!!!!!  I know – what the hell!  And what does he use that wonderful mind numbing amount of days on – I have NO FLIPPIN’ idea!  Most of it is not for the kiddo, so it’s pretty much whatever is fun for him – yes, must be nice.

Anywho – rant over (kinda – at least that part anyways), travel to last week.  We had planned a two day vacation away from it all.  I wish it could have been more, but ya’all know that times and finances are tough, so that was about all we could afford (read: not at all that we could afford, but $0 doesn’t get us anywhere).   We left Sunday night and went an hour or so away so that we could be close to a “Certain number of Flags, Animals included” park. The next day we woke up, fed the kid at free breakfast buffet and headed our butts over to the ride fest. 

I’ve got to say a few words about the day: it was fun, it was hot, my ass is too big to fit in kiddie rides (so my big fat ass didn’t ride any rides), and oh yes, it was hot.  Kiddo was less than impressed that we left the park before it was closed so that we could have a fabulous dinner with my sister that I rarely get to see and her beautiful family.  Lucky for them, I was absconding with her teenage girls the next day for another foray into the park.  Meltdown ensued until we got him filled with some food.  Then out of the blue he tells his cousin – “did you know that I have autism”………what…….that’s a new one.  She looked at me like – how the hell do I answer that one – oh honey – you are on your own with that one, because if I say anything, the coke I’m drinking will come out of my nose from laughter.  No, I have no idea why he said it and nothing else was said about it – whew!

So – I got off track – but whatever – you followed along didn’t you……..

After 2 days at said park (which really was fun) we got home sore – like “I can’t believe I am this old and I walked that much, my blisters have blisters” sort of sore.  I got drive-thru breakfast for all of us, since I had to go downtown for a minute anyways.  Kiddo ate said breakfast and then turned pale at approximately ½ hour later……threw up everything……  ARGH!  Ok, so maybe it was just too much fun for two days.  But then when he couldn’t even hold down water later in the day, “crap, crap, crap!”  Day one, well at least we have more days – no fever.  By day 4 – this is shitty – this is the worst vacation of all time – “I waited a whole flippin’ year for this?!?!?”  

Saying that trying to go to summer daycare on that Monday garnered a “this is the worst idea I have ever heard of” response to this.  I told hubs this as he was asleep in bed as I was leaving with our new found friend “the bowl” that had now come everywhere around the house with us with said kid.  I tried the “please keep him here with you” line, since he had an extra day of vacation, all to here “he will be fine” – (why yes, I was pissed at this point!!!)  Within 2 minutes of him getting there – yes, he threw up the sports drink that he had all of 3 sips of on the way.  He begged me to stay; even though he was as pale as a ghost and they didn’t know he had gotten sick– yes I’m totally winning the mother of the year award!  He made it all day – what a trooper – even though he was totally not “there”, he made it!

The rest of the week, he has greeted me at the daycare with “no throw-up today” – what fun!

Oh, and by the way – did I mention that this was me & the hubs 14^th wedding anniversary???? How special and romantic for me!

Yes, this was the best vacation ever………………….ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Why blog.......

Why I’m writing this blog……….

Well – I was told (insert eyeroll & sarcasm here) that I needed something for stress reduction. (Not sure why he can't just "buck it up and deal with it, but I'm sure he's right - don't tell him though, he already thinks he knows everything!)

No one reads this, let alone follows it – so it’s like that one friend that will let you bitch, moan, complain and get sarcastic with and just listen for all she is worth…… (PS – if you find her, please send her my way; I will be nice, I promise!)

Option #1 – drinking Blue Hawaiian’s till you fall on the floor is not compatible to an hour long commute in the morning. Not that I’ve ever tried it, but I have it on authority that it makes it really hard to get up early. (Trust – people – just trust on this one)
No homework involved ~ well – maybe a small taste test…….

Option #2 – will spontaneously blow up and explode if I don’t let some of these emotions out – the guys at work may not like that (did I tell you I am the ONLY female at our company….not pretty!)
Homework ~ check out the Kaiser manual – could be true – might not want to chance it

Option #3 – the Hostess guy will not deliver to my front door, neither will the Pepsi delivery driver – don’t really want to gain another 700 pounds – it makes it kinda hard to find tents in stylish colors (circus stripes are NOT slimming!)
Homework ~ see if bribes will help – might be worthwhile, would also have to check on custom tent makers……..

I need, NEED to find a community that understands my frustrations - I’m a NT living with a cute little boy and his very smart father – both of them on the spectrum. They think I’m the “odd one out”….ha – if they only understood!

So you see my dilemma – so many tough decisions and not enough options!

Where in the heck is my tiara?

I swear that's what I signed up for. I was read the stories - you know how they go.....girl meets frog.....girl kisses said frog.....girl ends up with handsome prince and a tiara on her head. I met the frog. I even kissed him - warts and all. All I ended up with was........more warts! What the hell!

I want my tiara. I have the perfect up-do just ready to go. I need my tiara. If a single mom can become the Crown Princess of Norway and a real-estate agent can turn a bar-hook up into becoming the Crown Princess of Denmark, then I have GOT to have a chance. Where's my contract...I guess I should have read the fine print!