I’m a bad mother. I’m not sure when it started, maybe it was before he was even born.
He has troubles tying his shoes, so each day he slips them
on. We are in such a morning rush to get
on the road for a nasty commute that I don’t even pay attention or notice
anymore. They are on his feet, there was
not a meltdown of epic proportions and we are out the door. And…. Yet
I know in my heart that it is not the “right thing”, it’s not teaching
him. I don’t even know if it is just
because I don’t want the fight at 6am to get out the door, or if I’ve just
become too lazy to even care. I’m tired,
he’s tired, it’s done. He needs to
learn independence, self-reliance, handling the world around him, and yet, I’m
letting him become reliant on me to get things done, or not even try to tackle
any of it.
I guess it stems, to be perfectly honest, from me having
depression and being bi-polar. Some days
I can barely even get myself out of bed to get ready, but I’m in charge of
getting another human being ready for the day.
Then, to add on autism where he really only wants to do “preferred
activities”, I have no patience other than to trudge along and get things done
no matter what, no matter who has to do them. The process doesn’t matter, just the end result…….
But , the process does matter….. he needs to learn things, I’m not going to be here for him forever.
I’m at a loss, I know what I should do, but don’t have the
energy to get it done. I also know that
I need to just stop doing things for him, he is a resourceful capable 9 year
old that should be able to do some of these things. I was forced at the very young age of 4 to
survive and carry the load of many household things because my mother was
ill. I cooked, cleaned, did the laundry…….
I never wanted that for my child, but in trying to “change the future” and let
him be a kid, I’m not teaching him the stuff that needs to be taught…..
I’m a failure…….. and I know it…….. and I don’t have the
energy to fix it…..
