I don't wanna...........

I have decided that I don't want to.......

OK - to be more specific - I don't want to HAVE to learn about autism, I don't want to HAVE to learn about IEP's, I don't want to HAVE to tell my cute little boy that he has high functioning autism, I don't want to HAVE to tell my friends why he is not behaving as their "perfect little angels" are.

For some parents, it is a relief to have the diagnosis - and it can be. But with just being diagnosed, there is an information overload happening and the whirlwind of thoughts/emotions/things to do gets worse. It's not like I already didn't have a full-time job, parenting, cooking, cleaning, the works.........now add "investigator, advocate,..........well, the list just goes on and on.

I'm tired, I'm worn out and to HAVE to do this stuff while getting no help and support - just, well, Sucks!

Friendship....I just don't fit in....

I have a problem that has to do with myself & LM in the future. I am actually fearful to ask this, but can’t get it out of my head. I have come to the realization that I don’t fit in anywhere. I never have – not in school, not in church, not in the workplace. No group really wanted me or included me. From time to time in my life I had some fringe invitations or relationships, but was never fully embraced.

My very few friends have other best friends, leaving me without one of my own. (I’m truly happy for them, don’t get me wrong, but I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t envious.) I am almost 39 years old, and have yet to have a relationship where I wasn’t the “odd man out”. I’m “friends” with a few people, but all in all, they are “friends” of other “friends”. Not that I don’t cherish them (which I do and am grateful for them) or that type of relationship, but it’s just not the same.
I don’t know what I do / have done that has left me this way. I’m not sure how to change things for the future. I have been told to not let it bother me, but I crave friendship. I’ve been hurt so many times in the past, that I am a little gun shy, but I still want a friend(s). I need a friend(s) to do things with, talk to, go out and have fun with. I just don’t know how to get that.

Most importantly, if I can’t figure this out, how am I supposed to teach my son - who has high-functioning autism - that already struggles with social issues - how to make friends??? How am I supposed to help him navigate waters that I can’t figure out myself? How do I show him the cues from others to form true friendships when apparently I can’t see them myself? I am at a total loss.

Lame - I know....

I love writing.........I have a post in my head while I'm driving.  I create posts in my head while I'm in the shower.  I write posts throughout the day, when I'm working my regular job..........
And then where or where are the new posts on my blog.....?!?!?

In. My. Head!!!

I have actually been trying to live life, instead of writing about the life that I've been strapped to.

I actually WENT out for a girls night out dinner with friends that I haven't seen in 20 years.....yes - 20 full whole years!  It was so nice - I must do it again.  You know how you "click" with someone - well, yes, we clicked!  It was awesome!!

And as for my very Late New Years Resolution.......this is my first step - writing a post. 

No - It's not pretty, No - it's not great writing , but dammit - it got posted!

Have a “Puke-tastic” Vacation!

I know, I know – you’re jealous - you are thinking to yourself “that sounds awesome – how can I get one of those too?”

Well, let me tell you – they are hard to come by people! 

See, I get one week of vacation a year.  Well, technically I get two, but as a mom with no sick time (you can see where this is going can’t you…) I get to use up that other one for random illnesses and stupid days where the schools don’t want to work their teachers to save some money – so yes – that totally reads “let’s use up my vacation days for that!”

Not to be bitter or anything like that (why no, I’ve never been accused of that), but the Hubs gets 5 – yes you read that right FIVE WHOLE WEEKS of vacation, PLUS sick time!!!!!!  I know – what the hell!  And what does he use that wonderful mind numbing amount of days on – I have NO FLIPPIN’ idea!  Most of it is not for the kiddo, so it’s pretty much whatever is fun for him – yes, must be nice.

Anywho – rant over (kinda – at least that part anyways), travel to last week.  We had planned a two day vacation away from it all.  I wish it could have been more, but ya’all know that times and finances are tough, so that was about all we could afford (read: not at all that we could afford, but $0 doesn’t get us anywhere).   We left Sunday night and went an hour or so away so that we could be close to a “Certain number of Flags, Animals included” park. The next day we woke up, fed the kid at free breakfast buffet and headed our butts over to the ride fest. 

I’ve got to say a few words about the day: it was fun, it was hot, my ass is too big to fit in kiddie rides (so my big fat ass didn’t ride any rides), and oh yes, it was hot.  Kiddo was less than impressed that we left the park before it was closed so that we could have a fabulous dinner with my sister that I rarely get to see and her beautiful family.  Lucky for them, I was absconding with her teenage girls the next day for another foray into the park.  Meltdown ensued until we got him filled with some food.  Then out of the blue he tells his cousin – “did you know that I have autism”………what…….that’s a new one.  She looked at me like – how the hell do I answer that one – oh honey – you are on your own with that one, because if I say anything, the coke I’m drinking will come out of my nose from laughter.  No, I have no idea why he said it and nothing else was said about it – whew!

So – I got off track – but whatever – you followed along didn’t you……..

After 2 days at said park (which really was fun) we got home sore – like “I can’t believe I am this old and I walked that much, my blisters have blisters” sort of sore.  I got drive-thru breakfast for all of us, since I had to go downtown for a minute anyways.  Kiddo ate said breakfast and then turned pale at approximately ½ hour later……threw up everything……  ARGH!  Ok, so maybe it was just too much fun for two days.  But then when he couldn’t even hold down water later in the day, “crap, crap, crap!”  Day one, well at least we have more days – no fever.  By day 4 – this is shitty – this is the worst vacation of all time – “I waited a whole flippin’ year for this?!?!?”  

Saying that trying to go to summer daycare on that Monday garnered a “this is the worst idea I have ever heard of” response to this.  I told hubs this as he was asleep in bed as I was leaving with our new found friend “the bowl” that had now come everywhere around the house with us with said kid.  I tried the “please keep him here with you” line, since he had an extra day of vacation, all to here “he will be fine” – (why yes, I was pissed at this point!!!)  Within 2 minutes of him getting there – yes, he threw up the sports drink that he had all of 3 sips of on the way.  He begged me to stay; even though he was as pale as a ghost and they didn’t know he had gotten sick– yes I’m totally winning the mother of the year award!  He made it all day – what a trooper – even though he was totally not “there”, he made it!

The rest of the week, he has greeted me at the daycare with “no throw-up today” – what fun!

Oh, and by the way – did I mention that this was me & the hubs 14^th wedding anniversary???? How special and romantic for me!

Yes, this was the best vacation ever………………….ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

The Great Sandal Expedition of 2012

So…. Stress reduction hasn’t been easy lately.  Little Man has been in transition from school to summer program, the pee-pee monster visiting at inopportune times and end of the year appointments.

So in the process of all of this……comes “The Great Sandal Expedition of 2012”.  I know – it sounds fun – but not so after finding all of the contents of the day’s lunch stuffed back OPENED and leaking into new lunchbox!  (Three – count them 3 – lunchboxes have already been ruined this way!)

He thinks that the missing footwear is somewhere in the grass at school where they played in the sprinklers……..thinks!!!  Since he can’t participate in the “daily drench” without proper sandals, we will have to start the hunt in the morning.  The thought of missing out on one of his favorite activities without his classmates “would be unbearable…” – yes he’s dramatic………seriously -  “unbearable”!?!?  What 6 year old really uses this word??

So as soon as the tires come to a stop, the kid clicked off his seatbelt and started bouncing around waiting for me to come around and set him free – damn childlocks he’s thinking – I just know it.  We race around the grass looking everywhere.  I ask him where they moved the lost and found.  He rolls his eyes like I’m an idiot – “they don’t have one anymore”……..ha ! 

They have children – hence -  they have a lost and found!

One kind soul (or should that be sole??) had pity on us and found it.  It was sitting on top of the Kindergarten cubbies – one of the last places I looked.  Apparently only Kindergartners would lose things………..HA!!!  Relieved, we headed into the playroom – since now he could not worry about playing in the water for another day………..

And what did I find when I signed him in………….his goggles…………..didn’t even realize they were missing!

Oh – this is going to be a long summer of expeditions – I can just feel it!

Why blog.......

Why I’m writing this blog……….

Well – I was told (insert eyeroll & sarcasm here) that I needed something for stress reduction. (Not sure why he can't just "buck it up and deal with it, but I'm sure he's right - don't tell him though, he already thinks he knows everything!)

No one reads this, let alone follows it – so it’s like that one friend that will let you bitch, moan, complain and get sarcastic with and just listen for all she is worth…… (PS – if you find her, please send her my way; I will be nice, I promise!)

Option #1 – drinking Blue Hawaiian’s till you fall on the floor is not compatible to an hour long commute in the morning. Not that I’ve ever tried it, but I have it on authority that it makes it really hard to get up early. (Trust – people – just trust on this one)
No homework involved ~ well – maybe a small taste test…….

Option #2 – will spontaneously blow up and explode if I don’t let some of these emotions out – the guys at work may not like that (did I tell you I am the ONLY female at our company….not pretty!)
Homework ~ check out the Kaiser manual – could be true – might not want to chance it

Option #3 – the Hostess guy will not deliver to my front door, neither will the Pepsi delivery driver – don’t really want to gain another 700 pounds – it makes it kinda hard to find tents in stylish colors (circus stripes are NOT slimming!)
Homework ~ see if bribes will help – might be worthwhile, would also have to check on custom tent makers……..

I need, NEED to find a community that understands my frustrations - I’m a NT living with a cute little boy and his very smart father – both of them on the spectrum. They think I’m the “odd one out”….ha – if they only understood!

So you see my dilemma – so many tough decisions and not enough options!

Why Light it up Blue???

Why we lit it up blue for Autism Awareness……….

We just received our diagnosis exactly two months ago to the day. Most would ask, why would you be so vigilant already, why would you already be active……….to be perfectly honest, I am still shell-shocked, I am still dealing with the grief, frustration, anger, sadness……….loneliness that I feel on this journey, but I have – HAVE - to remember this is going to be a long road ahead.

He knows that he has a new aide at school, so he knows something is up. I told him that Papa & him think differently – that they are so super smart, so talented, so wonderful, and that thinking differently was ok. (Thanks to all of the mommy bloggers out there for the helping words to explain!) He loves his papa, so if it is good enough for him, then it’s good enough for my boy.

It was hard to even ask to “light it up blue”……….I mean, how hard is it to ask for a blue light bulb….but yet, I’ve come to small terms with it – my husband has not. I have no idea, but maybe to him, it is like a beacon telling everyone “hey – this house has autism!”……….it still has a stigma – I so wish it didn’t.

That little blue light for me reminds me that I have to help my sweet little boy get past the stigma and make his way through the world. There is much work to be done – “blue – I will fight – for my boy and all of the other children out there”. I KNOW that so many others have fought the fight before us to get us where we are now; there are not enough words of thanks. But we now take up the mantle for the others and ones to come………for the 1 in 88…..for my little one……..for his future friends/classmates/loves……maybe even for his future wife – so she won’t have to struggle as much as I have……

And with this face…………how could you not???