Some days it just doesn’t pay to get up in the morning. I find myself waking up in bed with a constant headache most days….. it’s name is “HUSBAND”.
I’m not sure when I first started thinking that he was different, but it was rather early on in the relationship. I hadn’t dated much, so I was pretty naive, but I knew this man wasn’t like most guys. He was smart and intelligent, but it was more than that…. There was an intensity there for things that he liked. It wasn’t that he just “liked” cars…. No…… he almost skipped our first date altogether because he became engrossed in a project and he called me to change our movie time 4 different times that evening…. (that right there folks should have been a big red blinking sign!!!) He wasn’t just passionate about video games….. he played them non-stop. He was immersed in all things science / computers. Boxes of parts, became a whole room of parts… You can see where this is leading.
It came to the point where it just all became TOO MUCH. He would come out of his computer room or the garage for dinner, eat, then shut himself off again until bedtime. It was like this for years. I will admit, I became bitter and probably hard to live with after time, but that’s not how I thought life or marriage was supposed to go. Day in and day out, this was our routine. And there is no changing the routine. (I know I have many faults of my own, but since this is my blog, we won’t go into them right now.)
If it were only that, it might be easy to accommodate. But it’s not. With routine, comes control. Control of all routines, all parts of the marriage – money, going out, so forth. With the Control, came the fact of always being right. And by “Always”…. I mean ALWAYS. There is no discussion, no thought out debate.
Control + Always Being Right = Disaster for the Other Person
In 23 years of being with him, I have never once been “right”. He will begrudgingly admit that he might be a little mistaken, but not that I’m right. This really has dragged me down over the years. Not that I don’t know that I’m right or wrong, but to never have validation… that’s the part that stings, that eats at a person.
It took our kiddo being diagnosed on the spectrum to really “see” all the quirks & tendencies that the hubs has shown over his lifespan. It took him awhile to admit that he could possibly be on the spectrum too, but he believes that he is (along with confirmation from our ASD behaviorist).
Do I think that all of his actions and behaviors in regards to me has to do because he’s ASD – no. Actually, I would say…. Hell no! He’s an adult, he knows right from wrong. He’s functioning enough to know that things hurt or affect me. Do I think that some of it is because of the ASD and he might not know how to adequately express his feelings, thoughts, actions and emotions in the way that I might be used to…. Yes. I’ve told him for awhile now – “Just because you’re an Aspie, doesn’t give you the right to be an asshole!” And I think we all agree on that statement. But where do I judge one from another? Where is the line that decides what it is? Who am I to even judge that? Do I want to accommodate him as much as I can...... yes! But, do I think he doesn't care to look beyond himself to see how things affect me.... yes, I think that too.
I fully admit, it’s harder for me to have a spouse on the spectrum than a child on the spectrum. With my little man, I can teach him things, he listens and even though he will argue with God himself, he still understands that he’s learning and trusts me. My husband, on the other hand, is so stubborn and set in his ways, is that everything is a fight no matter what, true affection is at the bottom of his list, and his passions and interests will always be above everything else.
It’s hard...it’s never going to change… the routine will always be there… and it will only get worse in old age.