Time Flies

How has it been a whole year & a half of not writing?!?!?  I've been busy... and drowning in depression/anxiety/life.  The more things change, the more things really do stay the same.

Our Little Man is getting ready for transitioning into middle school..... HOLY COW!  I'm not sure how that happened, but it's been crazy challenging.

I'm going to try and write every other week,... to get my groove back.... I'm totally out of touch..... I've lost my funny.

Since I was talking about scouting in my last log - lot's has changed.... but here he is in all his glory!

Aspie or Asshole…… you decide???

Some days it just doesn’t pay to get up in the morning.  I find myself waking up in bed with a constant headache most days….. it’s name is “HUSBAND”.

I’m not sure when I first started thinking that he was different, but it was rather early on in the relationship. I hadn’t dated much, so I was pretty naive, but I knew this man wasn’t like most guys.  He was smart and intelligent, but it was more than that…. There was an intensity there for things that he liked.  It wasn’t that he just “liked” cars…. No…… he almost skipped our first date altogether because he became engrossed in a project and he called me to change our movie time 4 different times that evening…. (that right there folks should have been a big red blinking sign!!!)  He wasn’t just passionate about video games….. he played them non-stop. He was immersed in all things science / computers. Boxes of parts, became a whole room of parts…  You can see where this is leading.

It came to the point where it just all became TOO MUCH.  He would come out of his computer room or the garage for dinner, eat, then shut himself off again until bedtime.  It was like this for years.  I will admit, I became bitter and probably hard to live with after time, but that’s not how I thought life or marriage was supposed to go.  Day in and day out, this was our routine.  And there is no changing the routine.  (I know I have many faults of my own, but since this is my blog, we won’t go into them right now.)

If it were only that, it might be easy to accommodate. But it’s not. With routine, comes control. Control of all routines, all parts of the marriage – money, going out, so forth.  With the Control, came the fact of always being right. And by “Always”…. I mean ALWAYS.  There is no discussion, no thought out debate.

Control + Always Being Right = Disaster for the Other Person

In 23 years of being with him, I have never once been “right”.  He will begrudgingly admit that he might be a little mistaken, but not that I’m right. This really has dragged me down over the years. Not that I don’t know that I’m right or wrong, but to never have validation… that’s the part that stings, that eats at a person.

It took our kiddo being diagnosed on the spectrum to really “see” all the quirks & tendencies that the hubs has shown over his lifespan. It took him awhile to admit that he could possibly be on the spectrum too, but he believes that he is (along with confirmation from our ASD behaviorist).

Do I think that all of his actions and behaviors in regards to me has to do because he’s ASD – no.  Actually, I would say…. Hell no!  He’s an adult, he knows right from wrong. He’s functioning enough to know that things hurt or affect me.  Do I think that some of it is because of the ASD and he might not know how to adequately express his feelings, thoughts, actions and emotions in the way that I might be used to…. Yes.   I’ve told him for awhile now – “Just because you’re an Aspie, doesn’t give you the right to be an asshole!”  And I think we all agree on that statement.  But where do I judge one from another?  Where is the line that decides what it is? Who am I to even judge that?  Do I want to accommodate him as much as I can...... yes!  But, do I think he doesn't care to look beyond himself to see how things affect me.... yes, I think that too. 

I fully admit, it’s harder for me to have a spouse on the spectrum than a child on the spectrum. With my little man, I can teach him things, he listens and even though he will argue with God himself, he still understands that he’s learning and trusts me.  My husband, on the other hand, is so stubborn and set in his ways, is that everything is a fight no matter what, true affection is at the bottom of his list, and his passions and interests will always be above everything else. 

It’s hard...it’s never going to change… the routine will always be there… and it will only get worse in old age. 

Fear on the Roller Coaster

Clink, Clink, Clink…….that sound of each notch of the roller coaster climbing up that hill.  Anticipation, joy, excitement, but then knowing that that fear is coming, waiting for the bottom to drop out from under you. 

Then you are plunged full force into the abyss, faster than you expect or want. Falling……not knowing when the bottom is going to hit.  Then twists and turns, every which way. Making you dizzy and losing your way.  Smaller ups and downs, unexpected and out of place – not knowing if they are going to be big or small ones. The rush of going faster and faster, the excitement of mania.....shopping, eating, everything more, more, more. Some areas of the track bright and clear…… clarity abounds.  Then a new turn and you are forced into a dark tunnel and you can’t see your way out.

If it goes on too long – you are ready to get off.  Then the sweet relief of coming to a halt and getting off of the ride…..

But – you can’t.  There is no relief……no way off…..no ride operator to stop the coaster.  The utter sadness that you can’t just run away from it… to close your eyes and make it just all go away. The utter fear that you can’t just jump out because other’s need you.

This is how I feel……. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Numbness……. Just for a week, a day, an hour………that would be sweet relief.

I’ve wanted to jump out of the train more times than I can remember. As a child, I was torn between this and being the caregiver to my ill mother.  She needed me to cook, clean, even take off her socks. I felt like I couldn’t leave her – that I had to be there to help her.  As an adult, I held on tightly to the little hand of a blond boy that I loved to keep me from jumping.  He needs me in the car, as I fear that someday he will need to hold my hand on the roller coaster that will be his life. 

I’ve been too afraid of the unknown to just hop out onto the tracks.  Fear has held me back from every important decision in my life. I still haven’t dealt with the lowest dip of the ride.  That is tucked on a shelf, sealed up tight with layers of tape – I will not open it, it will sit there while the dust collects, but my mind is never far from forgetting about it.

This is the first time I have written about this in anything other than my journal. I am tired of being bi-polar……. Manic depressive……. The really high highs, the really low lows……..I want the ride to slow down and to let me off…..

I'm not ready - (is this what they call "functioning"?!?!?))

I’m not ready.  After reading THIS…….I’m definitely not ready. 

I’ve thought of the future.  I really have.  It’s fuzzy and vague, but it’s a general idea of “it will be ok” kind of thing.  I see his father.  He is an Aspie.  He can semi function in society at large.  But when I think about it more………I’m the one that is functioning, keeping us all together – afloat. 

The Hubs - It takes him forever, but he gets himself up, gets ready for work and gets himself out of the house…….mostly.  On the days he doesn’t…..well, he calls in sick or a vacation day. He has ample time, so he uses it often. If I were his boss, I would have already fired him. This has been happening for years, it’s not new, it was his routine for school too.

He does not cook dinner – it’s not in his “routine”. If I am not home for some reason with Little Man, he will wait hours for me to bring home food and starve, then to cook something for himself and go out and pick something up in a drive-thru. The second I come home, he is hungry, even though he might have been home for hours.  There is a big white box in the kitchen…..a full pantry…..he could start dinner. 

He could help with homework.  He is SUPER smart!  He is actually one of the smartest people I know.  I think he could do second grade math.  But as I am struggling to make dinner (“yummy, home-made dinner from scratch” since nothing else is good enough for him) he is sitting watching tv.   

THIS AND SO MUCH MORE………..  I’m thinking – this is NOT functioning……how is he going to teach my son how to function……I’m NOT READY – maybe ready to cry – but not ready for the future!

The Great Sandal Expedition of 2012

So…. Stress reduction hasn’t been easy lately.  Little Man has been in transition from school to summer program, the pee-pee monster visiting at inopportune times and end of the year appointments.

So in the process of all of this……comes “The Great Sandal Expedition of 2012”.  I know – it sounds fun – but not so after finding all of the contents of the day’s lunch stuffed back OPENED and leaking into new lunchbox!  (Three – count them 3 – lunchboxes have already been ruined this way!)

He thinks that the missing footwear is somewhere in the grass at school where they played in the sprinklers……..thinks!!!  Since he can’t participate in the “daily drench” without proper sandals, we will have to start the hunt in the morning.  The thought of missing out on one of his favorite activities without his classmates “would be unbearable…” – yes he’s dramatic………seriously -  “unbearable”!?!?  What 6 year old really uses this word??

So as soon as the tires come to a stop, the kid clicked off his seatbelt and started bouncing around waiting for me to come around and set him free – damn childlocks he’s thinking – I just know it.  We race around the grass looking everywhere.  I ask him where they moved the lost and found.  He rolls his eyes like I’m an idiot – “they don’t have one anymore”……..ha ! 

They have children – hence -  they have a lost and found!

One kind soul (or should that be sole??) had pity on us and found it.  It was sitting on top of the Kindergarten cubbies – one of the last places I looked.  Apparently only Kindergartners would lose things………..HA!!!  Relieved, we headed into the playroom – since now he could not worry about playing in the water for another day………..

And what did I find when I signed him in………….his goggles…………..didn’t even realize they were missing!

Oh – this is going to be a long summer of expeditions – I can just feel it!

Time Flies.........then it hits you straight in the head!

So so much has happened since my last post - some would call it "life", I would like to call it so much more than that...

hell, doctor's appointments, diagnosis center, kindergarten,
after-school care, IEP meetings, meltdowns, autism labels,
tears, sadness, grief, feelings of being alone...

OR - (if you were so inclined to remember the positive)

laughs, smiles, hugs, baseball games/practices, holidays...

So - yeah - LIFE!