But I don’t. I just can’t.

I’m trying not to give up….. but it’s hard. 

I put on makeup, pulled my nice jewelry out of the safe and dressed as if I cared. 

But I don’t.   I just can’t.

I can’t make myself be what I’m not.   I didn’t want to get out of bed, but I am a responsible adult, so I did what I had to, but I can’t get myself to wake up inside.

Some days I am raring to go……. Motivated, wanting to do 17 things at once. Color my hair with crazy streaks and so on.

 And then the wrecking ball comes and knocks me down.  Flat on the ground, the air taken out of my lungs.  I can’t breathe. I want to give in to the feeling and stay there.

But I don’t. I just can’t.

Because I’m supposed to be a responsible adult.   I’m tired of having to be a responsible adult.  I just want to give up, let go, crawl into bed and never get out.

But I don’t. I just can’t.

Because nobody will do what needs to be done for my boy.

So…… I do, because I have to.

Masks......

When we were kids, we couldn’t wait to see the stores line their shelves with boxes filled with Halloween costumes.  It was the 70’s, and they were nasty plastic/fabric wonders – think “hospital gown with two ties in the back to hold it all together.  Yeah, those…..  But the best part of it was the mask.  You weren’t that character until you put on the mask.  You couldn’t see, and the elastic band was totally too tight, but you could be anyone you wanted.  Whether it be Superman, Wonder Woman, The Lone Ranger or Princess Leia……. It was so exciting.  Do you remember that feeling?  You could BE an entirely different person.  The power, joy, FREEDOM coursing through your veins…….

It’s all still there as an adult…. But we probably don’t enjoy putting on those masks anymore.  We do it because we “have to” or we need to be someone that we are not.  We might have to use them to empower ourselves, because we really don’t have it inside of ourselves to do what needs to be done.  Or maybe we are hiding something about us that we don’t want people to see.  Possibly we are putting on that brave face that everyone has come to expect from us.  There are so many reasons.  But I have found that as adults, we simply can’t remove the mask.  We tend to just put another one on top of it to hide the first one.  Over and over this happens.  We could barely see through the first one, but the layers are making our sight of those around us and ourselves more obscure.  We come to a point where we finally forget who we are deep down inside, before we started wearing the masks.  I,  for one, would love if we all just dropped them to the ground, but know that is easier said than done.  I’ve created that façade that is hard to break and the emotional insecurities are just too much to handle. 

Wouldn’t it be nice and refreshing though if we all COULD do that? 

what if.........

I’ve been pondering all of the tragedies in our society lately.  It saddens my heart and soul to see all of this go on.  This post is not about guns, it’s not about mental illness, it’s not about any of that………it’s about what each of us can do, each and every day that might make a difference.

What if………

What if we cared more about saying “hello” to people than looking down at our phones? 

What if we said “how are you” and actually meant it and listened to the answer? 

What if instead of answering “fine” we actually said how we felt?

What if we were genuine and told people “thank you” and “have a nice day”?

What if we actually knew our neighbor’s names?

What if we took enough time to help each other?

What if……….

How would we all feel if we thought that someone else actually cared about us? Would that make us hurt less? Would that make people act out less? Would that let us reach out for help when we needed it? Would we reach out to those that we thought needed help?

I personally think it would.  I might be naive, but I think that if we cared just a little bit more about those around us, if we had a vested interest in the people that were around us, that we could make a personal difference in each other’s lives.  I’m not talking about surface Stepford façade interest, but actually getting to know one another.  Just little steps into making each other matter, because, we all do matter!

I'm not losing my funny

So,  I think it’s apparent to pretty much everyone here……..I’m not a writer.  Am I funny  - hells to the yes!  BUT……(and I do have a big butt……..) I am used to playing off of someone – a back and forth banter.  You say something, then I say something witty and maybe slightly inappropriate (ok – usually inappropriate), then you say something, then I say something to tie it up with a big funny bow…….and we all have a good laugh.  That’s how it works. 

The bad thing about the internet is that………there is no banter.  I’ve got to pick up your slack!  You are such a slacker!  Has anyone else told you that, because…..geeze……this is getting ridiculous!

Anywho…… I guess this means, that since I’m having a hard time with this writing thing – I thought I was losing my funny – then I thought it was writers block – then I figured out – fuck no – I’m not a true writer……ha ha!!!  Suck it……….I’m just gonna “blog” whatever the hell I want.  So…… If you can hang with that and follow along, you will see a little of what clouds my head.  Don’t expect “writing”…… because – yeah – I just told you – disclaimer - I’m not a fucking writer!

(gratuitous picture of our elf on the shelf to prove I'm damn funny!)