Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Fear on the Roller Coaster

Clink, Clink, Clink…….that sound of each notch of the roller coaster climbing up that hill.  Anticipation, joy, excitement, but then knowing that that fear is coming, waiting for the bottom to drop out from under you. 

Then you are plunged full force into the abyss, faster than you expect or want. Falling……not knowing when the bottom is going to hit.  Then twists and turns, every which way. Making you dizzy and losing your way.  Smaller ups and downs, unexpected and out of place – not knowing if they are going to be big or small ones. The rush of going faster and faster, the excitement of, eating, everything more, more, more. Some areas of the track bright and clear…… clarity abounds.  Then a new turn and you are forced into a dark tunnel and you can’t see your way out.

If it goes on too long – you are ready to get off.  Then the sweet relief of coming to a halt and getting off of the ride…..

But – you can’t.  There is no relief……no way off… ride operator to stop the coaster.  The utter sadness that you can’t just run away from it… to close your eyes and make it just all go away. The utter fear that you can’t just jump out because other’s need you.

This is how I feel……. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Numbness……. Just for a week, a day, an hour………that would be sweet relief.

I’ve wanted to jump out of the train more times than I can remember. As a child, I was torn between this and being the caregiver to my ill mother.  She needed me to cook, clean, even take off her socks. I felt like I couldn’t leave her – that I had to be there to help her.  As an adult, I held on tightly to the little hand of a blond boy that I loved to keep me from jumping.  He needs me in the car, as I fear that someday he will need to hold my hand on the roller coaster that will be his life. 

I’ve been too afraid of the unknown to just hop out onto the tracks.  Fear has held me back from every important decision in my life. I still haven’t dealt with the lowest dip of the ride.  That is tucked on a shelf, sealed up tight with layers of tape – I will not open it, it will sit there while the dust collects, but my mind is never far from forgetting about it.

This is the first time I have written about this in anything other than my journal. I am tired of being bi-polar……. Manic depressive……. The really high highs, the really low lows……..I want the ride to slow down and to let me off…..