look for the orange

“Matthew” 

Look for the orange shirt, I tell myself silently……find the orange………I’m yelling now - ”Matthew……Matthew”………look for the orange (tears falling – uncalled – unwanted – unbidden – silently – slowly – tears falling on my cheek)    “MATTHEW”

My heart is alternating between stopping and pounding too fast in my chest…….this is the first time that I have opened up and let him “be a boy” as my husband has wanted me to – against my inner fight. He tells me to “leave my helicopter blades at home”.  This is our first Mom and Son Cub Scout camping trip. Yes, my son does need more independence…yes, I probably hover a whole lot more than I should……but he also has autism.  He is "high functioning" (whatever that means), so he understands what I tell him, but he doesn’t fully comprehend danger in the same way, nothing scares him.

“MATTHEW”….. “MATTHEW” …..  I’m screaming – there are places to fall where I couldn’t get to him, places to hide. There is poison oak over in those bushes…….there is a major drop off to a stream below…. find the orange……… look for the orange …. find the orange……… look for the orange…

There he was – blonde little head, bobbing up and down, arms flapping, waiting by the two metal poles.  He knew not to go out past the boundary line.  He makes mental notes of where things change.   I had told him not to leave our circle of cabins.

I was too upset to be mad at him……. Even though that was there too.  I reminded him, probably too sternly to not venture out without someone – don’t run off into the woods.

He was ready to go again, to go see what he could see……I was ready to drop on the ground, I couldn’t breathe, ready to curl up in a ball and cry……but I had to push on……I had to keep looking for the orange – running ahead of me.

(Ed note - this was written awhile back, but I was too afraid to post - too afraid to finish it... it's really still not finished.......I'm still looking for that orange everyday - scared to death - struggling with anxiety and helicopter blades swirling above my head........)